This guide takes 2 minutes to read (10 minutes including all source summaries.) It summarizes information from 6 sources. This guide will be updated again in August 2021. Know something we should add? Email us.
The Maternie Manifesto: There is no *ultimate* expert who has all the answers on parenting. We do a comprehensive survey of expert guidance and opinions, and then boil it down for you. No judgement, just (good) information.
There is consensus around the fact that all young children will tell lies. Exactly how old children are when they knowingly lie varies by source, but most say that around ages 5-6 children will understand the difference between reality and fantasy enough to know what they are doing.
Several sources emphasized that children are often *not* acting maliciously, and that their brains are not functioning like adults’ brains yet. (Check out one psychologist’s explanation of a darts-for-candy experiment for an example.)
When a Child Lying Makes Sense
Given that, kids may lie because it is rational to them – they think they know what answer the adult wants, so they give that to them. They are then confused when they get a negative reaction.
Almost all sources recommend against harsh punishments for lying, and instead emphasize stopping and thinking about WHY your child is lying.
- Are they trying to avoid getting in trouble?
- Are they trying to make themselves feels better?
- See below for other examples
What To Do When Your Child Lies
Once you know what the motivation for the lie is, you can tailor your response. If they are lying about doing something that had a negative consequence (i.e., accidentally breaking a vase), make it clear that lying could lead to a more negative outcome than telling the truth.
But if it is a lie that aims to prop-up their self esteem (i.e., I scored 10 goals at soccer today), you can focus on letting them know they are loved regardless of the number of goals scored.
For More Information…
If you want more information, check out the sources we’ve summarized below:
Child Mind Institute
American Academy of Pediatrics
Wall Street Journal
Psychology Today: Leon Seltzer
Psychology Today: James Powell
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
This write-up includes guidance from two clinical psychologists. They urge parents to consider what motivations children have when they lie, including:
- Getting something they want
- Getting out of consequences or something they don’t want to do
- Testing out a new behavior
- Enhance self esteem
- Get the focus off of them
- Impulsivity (i.e. speaking before thinking)
What to do about lying depends on what the “function” of the lie is. For example, these psychologists recommend that a lie driven by self-esteem (i.e. a child saying they scored 10 goals at soccer) could be followed by a mild reprimand along these lines: “Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?”
If it is about getting out of a consequence or something they don’t want to do, they recommend “truth checks,” which includes saying you will walk away for 10 minutes and come back and ask again. That can give your child the chance to correct what they may have said impulsively to avoid getting in trouble.
Another method they recommend if you know your child is lying is to acknowledge that you know you may not like their answer, but that their behavior is not who they are, you love them, and sometimes people make mistakes.
Finally, they caution against testing if kids are lying – if you know what the truth is, be up front about that. And don’t label them a liar, it can be more hurtful that the moment requires.
Healthy Children (American Academy of Pediatrics)
This group says children under six have a hard time telling the difference between reality and fantasy. After six they typically can tell the difference.
They also emphasize thinking about why the child is lying, saying that it is often done to avoid disappointing parents or to keep up with demands that might be unreasonable.
They recommend that you let children know right away if you know they are lying, and also caution against harsh punishment methods because they are “not very effective.” They recommend making it clear that the child will get in less trouble if they tell the truth versus lying.
Wall Street Journal — Susan Pinker on Kang Lee, PhD
Columnist Susan Pinker explains research from Kang Lee, a psychology professor from the University of Toronto. Lee has specifically studied children’s ability to tell lies for over a decade, and he has found that the following percentages of kids try to lie:
- 30% of verbal two-year-olds
- 50% of three-year-olds
- 80% of four-year-olds
- Nearly all health five- to seven-year olds
Lee says lying is actually a developmental milestone that shows kids are able to understand that other people are not thinking the exact same things they are. It also shows “executive function,” or in other words, the ability to think ahead.
Psychology Today – Leon Seltzer, PhD
This author takes the position that some parents’ efforts to prevent kids from lying can end up doing the exact opposite, essentially “programming” them to lie more.
Seltzer writes that because kids are “so dependent on their parents’ acceptance,” harsh punishments for lying can lead to them lying more often to avoid any further punishment.
He offers the example of a boy who lied about his basketball skills to classmates to improve his self-esteem. When his parents found out, his father got extremely mad and screamed at him. It was the first time the father had been that mad with the boy and it stuck with him, prompting the boy to lie whenever there was a chance his father would get mad at him again.
In this example, Seltzer says it would have been better for the parents to figure out why he lied, and then talk about why lying was not necessary in that situation.
Psychology Today — James Powell, Psy.D.
Powell reviews a study of children under 9 lying about their ability to throw darts at a bullseye to get pieces of candy. When left alone, 90% of children cheat to get candy. But when told that there is an “invisible princess” in the room watching them, 90% do not cheat.
He uses this to illustrate that developmentally, children under 9 are not thinking like rational adults. They believe they are being watched and will follow the rules. Powell says the same thing applies for lying. He writes that children do not understand why parents are upset that they lied, since they are giving the answer they think the parent wants.
He also says lies are often rational from children’s’ point of view. If they break something and you ask them what happened, they have a 100% chance of being punished if they tell the truth or a 50% chance of being punished if they say they don’t know, and you believe them.
Her recommends reversing those odds – say you know what happened, but if they apologize and tell the truth, they will be in less trouble. That teaches them that telling the truth gets them a better outcome, and the child will be more inclined to do that again in the future.
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:
This group of psychiatrists says it is common for children to start blurring the lines of reality and fantasy at ages 4-5 and making up stories, telling lies. They say this is not a problem, nor is the occasional lie that is self-serving. The group recommend responding in the moment to talk about the importance of truth and honesty.
They say things may be more problematic if the lies become repetitive, essentially becoming a habit because it is the easiest way to deal with parents and teachers. But they caution that children are not often malicious, it just makes sense to them at the time – make mom or dad happy by saying the thing that won’t make them mad. Again, they recommend talking about the difference between truth and honesty and caution against punitive measures.
